Margaret
Author: Bert Booth
Laughlin AFB 85-02
No, not specifically a T-38 story but it's wrapped up in the entire UPT experience.
Tradition is the 'Tweet to Talon' party as the class leaves the T-37 and switches to the T-38. Say goodbye to your old IPs and meet your new IPs. Cookout on a Friday (?) afternoon.
Just started UPT. Knock, knock. I open the door. "Hi, I'm Jamie." Uh... okay? "I'm in your unit. I'm in 85-01." Huh? Who? What?
Turns out a future ANG squadron mate is one class ahead of me. No one told me that. Jamie 'Winky' Winkler. Character. As the IU coach said, 'google me.' Okay, he might not be in Wikipedia but he's definitely a character.
Jamie's girlfriend is with him and he's renting a 'ranch'—think really small house—on 5-10 acres of west Texas dust. "Come on over, I'll introduce you to Margaret."
Turns out Margaret's his pet pig that he bought once he showed up at UPT. Literally fattening her up for the slaughter... to be eaten at the Tweet to Talon party. Strange way to treat a pet. She was sweet, walked around the house, etc.
Fast forward 4 months and 85-01's Tweet to Talon party is coming up the following weekend. Off base party at a classmate's house, T-37 Assistant Flight CC, bachelor, hanging out with us. With Jamie and I in back-to-back classes I knew several of his classmates and he knew some of my class, so he's partying with us that evening.
Someone comes up to me. "Don't let Jamie leave. We're going to go kidnap Margaret."
Okay... what could go wrong?
The great part is Ray 'Handjob' Handley (hey, he was a bachelor in Del Rio...), Assistant Flight CC, is on the snatch team being a pickup owner. Three to four (?) guys leave.
Margaret's on a chain in the yard. She puts a hurting on them. She goes from nice pet to "F' no, I ain't going!" Ray gets kicked in the lower lip/chin and gets a cloven hoof skin peel from his lip towards his chin. I think he was the one holding the rope when Margaret took off running. When a 150-200 lb pig takes off, you're along for the drag. Said drag took out the water hose bib sticking up out of the ground. Almost broke their collar bone. Squealing, lights in surrounding 'ranches' coming on. A 3 minute SEAL team snatch became a long, dragged out battle. Nothing like adding 'rustling' to your Article 15 or Court Martial.
Ray takes Margaret to his house and puts her in the backyard.
Sunday we're coming up with plans. What will the ransom be? Will there be a ransom? Or how do we return her? The favorite is to grease her up and release her into their flight room, gaining entry by unlocking the emergency exit, right before formal brief. Margaret was almost impossible to capture with a rope on her. Greased up? Good luck.
Jamie's pissed. Fingers me... but I'm innocent, well maybe a co-conspirator. "I was with you at the party..."
This was pre-cell phones. Communication was slow.
Monday morning and Ray reports: "I'm at home Sunday morning, ring ring, I open the door and there's a county Sheriff at the door. 'You have a pig?' Gulp... yes. 'The neighbors said it got out and is walking around.' Oh shit... it took 3-4 guys 15-20 minutes to capture. Now I'm by myself with a sheriff's deputy? How will I do this? We find Margaret and I walk up near her—'Margaret, come!' and pat my hip and walk away. Oink, oink, oink... she follows!! Why didn't we try this last night!!"
In the meantime he's got a nasty scrape on his lip/chin but the deputy says nothing.
Monday the word comes down from our class commander—Capt Clemmons (Clements?)—Margaret gets returned by Tuesday or the USAF investigators get involved. Oops, they're not playing. So Margaret is released.
All is well in Mudsville. Margaret is happy in her yard. Life goes back to normal.
Thursday rolls by and Jamie's driving his pet pig Margaret to the butcher. Driving down the highway in a classmate's pickup and Margaret has a PTSD flashback—and jumps out of the pickup bed at speed. Pigs roll at speed...
Butcher refuses to butcher her. Can't do that to sick animals. "She's not sick, she's just banged up." Nope, no can do.
So no tasty free range pork for the 85-01 Tweet to Talon party.
Class commander gets involved—perps involved with the kidnapping will buy the meat for their Tweet to Talon party. Couple hundred bucks.
What could go wrong? A lot... 🙂
